They BLOW.

Fan:

1. any device for producing a current of air by the movement of a broad surface or a number of such surfaces

2. an implement of feathers, leaves, paper, cloth, etc., often in the shape of a long triangle or of a semicircle, for waving lightly in the hand to create a cooling current of air about a person: We sat on the veranda, cooling ourselves with palm-leaf fans

3. an enthusiastic devotee, follower, or admirer of a sport, pastime, celebrity, etc. Short for FANATIC.

Fanatic:

a person with an extreme and uncritical enthusiasm or zeal, as in religion or politics.

So, yeah. Fanatics drive me crazy. So let me just address you lot for a second. Quit it. Stop it. Cease. Desist. Drop it.

I recently had a few separate discussions that had a common element. They all either were about fanatics, or were with a fanatic. These conversations being so close together really resonated with me, and got me to mentally harping on the topic, so, here we are.

I have found that, by definition, fanatics do not realize that they are, in fact, fanatical. More often than not, they consider either their opponent or audience to be the fanatic. This makes the lunacy and aggrivation much more intense for me. See, I can't stand a fanatic. Enthusiasts are fine. Supporters are good. Believers are awesome. Endorsers are handy. Hell, I'll even put up with a staunch follower. Fanaticism is a whole new level of crazy though.

My experience with these mongrels has been that they are close-minded, argument prone, simple, angry little people. They love their chosen topic so fiercely, so blindly, that they will simply refuse to listen to or acknowledge anything that does not go along with their way. There is no room for any opposing point. In fact, I find that when they see your mouth open up during one of these litanies, they automatically assume you are about to expell some vile inflammatory comment in direct contradiction to the ideal they have sworn a bloodoath with the dark gods to uphold. They really won't let you say much at all. Oh, and by the way, you must listen to them. It is imperative. It will save your soul and body. And the earth. And the universe. And freedom. You have no choice, you see, but to listen fully or the cosmos will unravel and all will be lost!

But where the fanatic really shines, just really puts the rubber to the road and hits low earth orbit, is when trashing another fanatic, one who is on the other side of the fence. It should be hilarious irony to listen to them accuse someone of their exact behavior, disapprovingly, but it isn't. It just makes the situation more aggrivating. So...

To all you fanatics: Shut the fuck up. Let go. Find your own kind, and blather on to your filthy ilk, not the rest of us. We are tired of the bullshit. Don't go hunting us down on the intarwebs, either, just because we won't let you engage us in public. Y'wanna argue that damn bad? Then make a video of yourself to argue with and play with a mirror. Whiner. Oh, and by the by, chances are pretty good that, in regard to your...cause...you are dead wrong. Moron.

Now, for the rest of you, the normal(ish) folk out there. Here is how you handle these nitwits. When you first realize, I mean really have that "Oh SHIT, a fanatic," moment, that you are stuck engaged in conversation with a fanatic, you must act. Immediately. Do not delay. Choose one or more of the following options:

1. Tell the nutjob to shut the fuck up.

2. Scowl and walk away.

3. Slap them. You know, the backhanded, mafia-overboss type of slap. Good stuff.

4. In the loudest voice you can muster, bellow "WRONG!"

5. Walk away.

6. Yawn profusely while looking about 45 degrees to either side of the jerk. Stare intently.

7. Interrupt them frequently and with great zest. This is best done using a useless topic, like a cool new color for a shoe, or what you think of insert random word from the dictionary here.

8. Walk away.

9. Make a very obvious attempt to fake the hiccups. Loudly.

10. Walk away.

11. Start humming old showtunes.

12. Stare at an imaginary object in the sky or tree. Do not acknowledge the aggressor.

13. Walk away.

14. Begin to circle them slowly, all the while not breaking eye contact. You must look at them intently, as if trying to solve a complex algebraic equation.

15. Walk away.

16. Yell the word "feathers" with much eagerness right in their face, then take on the dopiest smile you can think of for the duration.

17. Begin fiddling with the various functions of your cell phone, ignoring them completely.

18. Walk away.

19. Keep repeating the phrase, "nothing for me, thanks" in a soft tone, over and over about every 3 seconds.

20. Walk away.

Whatever option(s) you choose, it is vital that at least one of them is to walk away. You see, without this critical move, anything else is simply a waste of time. For you see, the fanatic can not be delt with by any rational means. You must adopt a posture of being far more crazy and intent than they are, and that is something hard to fake.

-Owen