The Tank

If you've read even a little of the site, you might be surprised to know that I have not owned a four wheeled vehicle, at least one that wasn't my wife's car, since around 2008. True story. She has a little Mazda 3 that works fine for running errands and fetchin the groceries. For my getting around, when the car wouldn't cut it or I didn't want to leave the wife stranded, I used my company truck. I tried to keep this to a minimum, for so many reasons, but if I needed to get a little off the roads this was the only avenue I had, other than getting a lift and getting dropped off. Until now, that is.


I had been wanting to get something with 4 wheels of my own for a good long while, and my health was making the motorcycle look a bit sketchy (that is a whole other, sad, sad tale), and having to take the work truck was just getting stale, too many issues with doing that. So, I started getting things lined up, started figuring out what I wanted, and eventually the wife and I began looking around. I got a lock on the vehicle I wanted fairly quickly. Don't misunderstand, this isn't going to be a write up on why my particular purchase is the greatest vehicle in the history of ever, but it will be about why this is the best one for me. If you know anything at all about me by now, you know I like to research before I get something, even in a horse trade. I can't stand buying or trading for something, and then getting stuck with a product that either doesn't fit the bill, is just plain wrong, or is a complete piece of shit. Having said that, one vehicle in particular kept coming up, bubbling up to the front of my lizard brain. I was initially torn between getting a truck with a decent, but not full size back seat, and a mid size SUV. I need to explain, before you toss lettuce and rotten maters at me.

Lincoln MKX. NOT my idea of an SUV.

When I say "SUV", I mean an actual sport utility vehicle. Something that has not forgotten its' roots. A ride that keeps the sport part of playing outside, and also the utility of an ORV, or off road vehicle. It needs to be functional, not effing fancy. Too many, and I mean really, far too many "SUV" type vehicles now are just pansy, limp-wristed, high-heel-wearing, purse-toting, watered-down versions of what the class used to be. At some point, we as a people decided that we needed the freaking "Luxury SUV!" Luxury?! In an SUV?! What in the sphincter of hell is that all about? Who needs that much luxury while playing in the woods? I mean, seriously, who wants to get one of these things dirty? Especially on the inside. Who is going to deer hunt with one of these, or go camping in some serious woods, or go mud riding, or take it onto Baja type terrain? Nobody, and that's the point. And now we even have the damned crossover, a vehicle that claims to be an SUV, but is actually built on a car frame or unibody, without all the tough truck bits, and is really nothing more than "the minivan it is cool to get caught driving." How many guys have you heard say something similar to this about a minivan, "I wouldn't be caught dead driving a minivan." Welp, you can catch em dead in crossover or modern wuss SUVs all day long now. Cripes. There, so now you understand that I am talking about something that is actually built on a truck frame, rear wheel drive, with ground clearance, that is tough and sturdy and not lit up with bells and whistles and is made to go off road. Onward.

Can anyone picture getting this interior dirty? Use it for hunting? Go mud bogging?? NO.

A problem began to crop up with my midsize pickup truck selections. Around here, they are a very sought after commodity, most folks love them and keep them forever, and they not only hold their value, they sometimes go up in value. This not only made one hard to find, but bloody expensive. I also started thinking about problems with gear in the bed getting wet if I was taking a troop of pals with me, thinking about cargo storage/toting on the roof, all sorts of stuff. The true SUV started looking better and better. Lucky for me I had something in mind already, and had some research under my belt already. A Tank.

Not a really real tank. That would be absurd. Nobody is going to legally let me ride around in a tank, doing whatever the hell I want. Course, they would have a hard time stopping me, I mean, I'd be in a tank and all. But they probably wouldn't give me the keys to begin with. Or whatever it is you use to crank a tank. I assume it's keys. I dunno. No, this is what I call a tank, my tank, a tank for me. The Nissan Xterra. Now, before you go all opinionated and whiny on me, and start yammering about what you think a normal person tank would be, or what brand you like yadda, yadda, remember this: we're talking about me right now. My opinion on a purchase for myself. Glad we cleared that up. The Xterra fit the bill perfectly for me. It has plenty of ground clearance. It can handle itself in off road terrain. It is pretty damn sturdy, built on a truck frame, with rear wheel drive. It has an actual rugged cargo rack with fat bars on the roof. It is not a gigantic, heavy behemoth that will get bogged down to easily. It has a usable back seat, and respectable cargo room in the rear. We have a winner.

I was torn, in the beginning, between trying to find a good '04 or a more used '05, after the overhaul redesign. Turns out, the '05-'10 models have some pretty serious potential mechanical flaws, some of which should have been the subject of a Nissan funded recall, but weren't. Facing the possibility of having the transmission grenade to the tune of $5,000 plus, I opted to look for the less troubled '04. The wife and I began hunting, and I'll be dipped if she wasn't the one to find it. In our neighbor state of Louisiana she found a great blue model, with a V6, auto, and a bull bar. Yessssss. I wanted a bull bar bad, but didn't want to limit my options too much. Turns out this tank had a few dents, dings, scratches, seat tears, blah blah blah that you would expect to find on a 10 year old vehicle. I don't care. I plan to rough house this thing. I will get this son of a bitch scratched up in the woods. It's going to get dirty, and used. That is why I bought it, not to prance around parking lots. The price was right, and we brought her home.

My Tank!

As I began to get more familiar with the tank, I started finding more and more little imperfections, niggles, damages, etc. Nothing too major, but stuff I didn't catch at the dealer. No big deal, just stuff to work on, which is kind of fun. Bottom line, I finally got my tank, and it is the exact thing I was looking for, and it has already been used quite a bit.

Kayak loaded and ready for water time.

Let's go paddle!

****Disclaimer: Images of Lincoln MKX are property of the Lincoln Motor Company or whatever it is legally called, I don't know. I needed images of something that made my point about not being tough or off-road worthy. It fit the bill. Sorry Lincoln, but you kind of asked for it since you are a "luxury" car company and decided to make this "SUV." I'm not trying to pick on you in particular, there are plenty other manufacturers out there just as guilty, like Ford, Chevy, GMC, Nissan, Toyota, Mazda, Kia, Hyundai, Suzuki, etc. And that's not even touching on the high-end luxury brands like BMW, Infinity, or Lexus. You just happened to win the luck of the draw, so to speak.****